Wednesday, September 19, 2012
who am I?
I know my titles - wife, mom, daughter, sister, yaya - but who is my true self. Maybe she is a combination of each of those titles, depending on the day. Needless to say, I'm having a bit of an identity crisis since becoming a parent. Some days I don't see Jessica in the mirror or in the eyes of my family and friends. In the blink of an eye you become a entirely new person who you're supposed to immediately connect and identify with but I haven't. I'm sure (and hopeful) that as time passes I'll figure it all out, and yet, today I mourn the loss of that ability to recognize who I am outside of those titles. Isn't it important for my husband and son to know that woman too? It definitely is. It's also equally - if not more - important to know her myself.
Monday, September 17, 2012
no RX
On the evening of September 5th we gave Liam his final dose of phenobarbital. What a blessing! It felt so good, so right. I truly wish that he had never had to take it in the first place but am extremely grateful that it's over with. We even met with his neurologist last week and hearing her say that there would be no need to meet with her again was pure relief. Thank you and adios, Dr. Kuperman.
I'm still dealing with the guilt I have deep inside. The fact that he was so ill at birth due to some unknown event in utero haunts me. I'm certainly coping with those traumatic ghosts better than I was a few months ago but even watching a TV show about a woman giving birth takes me so swiftly back to that dark place.
My hope is that in the days, weeks, months and years to come as we watch him develop into whomever and whatever he's going to be that those bad memories fade away. As I watch him nap so sweetly in my arms, it fills me with gratitude. He's here and he's perfect.
I'm still dealing with the guilt I have deep inside. The fact that he was so ill at birth due to some unknown event in utero haunts me. I'm certainly coping with those traumatic ghosts better than I was a few months ago but even watching a TV show about a woman giving birth takes me so swiftly back to that dark place.
My hope is that in the days, weeks, months and years to come as we watch him develop into whomever and whatever he's going to be that those bad memories fade away. As I watch him nap so sweetly in my arms, it fills me with gratitude. He's here and he's perfect.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Sleep
One of the most common bits of advice I received from other parents as Jessica and I were approaching Liam's birth was to "get your sleep now". Which turns out is sort of impossible. There is no amount of pre-sleep you can accomplish that will at all prepare you for the sleeplessness to follow the arrival of a newborn.
After Liam was born, we started getting updated bits of advice, such as "sleep when he sleeps". This too turns out to be pretty close to nonsense, as when (if) you finally get your baby down, is when you can finally use the restroom, or fix yourself a sandwich that you may not get a chance to eat for another 4 hours. Sometimes it does work out that way, but usually out of pure exhaustion, versus some sort of preconceived tandem nap time.
During the day, our guy can barely make it 2 full hours between feedings (just like his Dad!), so even getting significant naps during the day can be pretty difficult. Though, he's in such a better mood when he does nap during the day...a fine balance between naps and play and milk.
Right after we brought him home from the hospital, we of course could hardly sleep at all - Jessica and I were both on super high alert, with the slightest sound making us both jump up at the ready. Even too little sound would cause worry and we'd get up and check on him. Over time, the 3 of us have grown more comfortable at night, which has allowed us all to catch more and more of those precious z's.
At first, he'd get up 3-4 times a night. Then after 6 weeks or so, he started needing only 2-3 times a night...Recently, he's alllmost down to ONE time in the night. In fact, within the last week, he has bested his personal record in sleep time between when he first falls asleep, and his first feeding.
A great nighttime strategy Jessica and I started a couple months ago was to split up feeding/caring duties; initially, we would both get up together every single time, and after several weeks of getting only a handful of hours of sleep per night, we started getting a bit ragged. So, I started taking Liam's first wake-up, and Jessica would take the next one (or two...poor thing). At the time, he would sleep maybe 3 hours at a time, which meant that with our new approach, we could each count on 5-6 hours of (mostly) uninterrupted sleep.
I've read a good bit about baby sleep in recent months, and as we began approaching the 3 month old mark, one thing I read that I found particularly interesting was that apparently at 3 months, the typical baby begins to develop melatonin, which helps baby sleep. Additionally, as baby gets bigger and is able to hold more milk in his belly, he can sleep longer.
As mentioned earlier, Liam has been breaking sleep records. Now, I certainly don't want to jinx anything (knock on wood), but last night, on his 13 week "birthday", he slept a full 7 hours before his first feeding at 4am. His next milk was taken at 7:30 in the morning...This my friends, is a very, very good thing. There apparently tends to be a bit of regression in the coming weeks and months as he starts getting excited about the things he's able to do, and processing the new fun stuff he experiences, but for now, he's on a really nice sleep schedule, and that has made a tremendous difference for all of us.
Go buddy go!
After Liam was born, we started getting updated bits of advice, such as "sleep when he sleeps". This too turns out to be pretty close to nonsense, as when (if) you finally get your baby down, is when you can finally use the restroom, or fix yourself a sandwich that you may not get a chance to eat for another 4 hours. Sometimes it does work out that way, but usually out of pure exhaustion, versus some sort of preconceived tandem nap time.
During the day, our guy can barely make it 2 full hours between feedings (just like his Dad!), so even getting significant naps during the day can be pretty difficult. Though, he's in such a better mood when he does nap during the day...a fine balance between naps and play and milk.
Right after we brought him home from the hospital, we of course could hardly sleep at all - Jessica and I were both on super high alert, with the slightest sound making us both jump up at the ready. Even too little sound would cause worry and we'd get up and check on him. Over time, the 3 of us have grown more comfortable at night, which has allowed us all to catch more and more of those precious z's.
At first, he'd get up 3-4 times a night. Then after 6 weeks or so, he started needing only 2-3 times a night...Recently, he's alllmost down to ONE time in the night. In fact, within the last week, he has bested his personal record in sleep time between when he first falls asleep, and his first feeding.
A great nighttime strategy Jessica and I started a couple months ago was to split up feeding/caring duties; initially, we would both get up together every single time, and after several weeks of getting only a handful of hours of sleep per night, we started getting a bit ragged. So, I started taking Liam's first wake-up, and Jessica would take the next one (or two...poor thing). At the time, he would sleep maybe 3 hours at a time, which meant that with our new approach, we could each count on 5-6 hours of (mostly) uninterrupted sleep.
I've read a good bit about baby sleep in recent months, and as we began approaching the 3 month old mark, one thing I read that I found particularly interesting was that apparently at 3 months, the typical baby begins to develop melatonin, which helps baby sleep. Additionally, as baby gets bigger and is able to hold more milk in his belly, he can sleep longer.
As mentioned earlier, Liam has been breaking sleep records. Now, I certainly don't want to jinx anything (knock on wood), but last night, on his 13 week "birthday", he slept a full 7 hours before his first feeding at 4am. His next milk was taken at 7:30 in the morning...This my friends, is a very, very good thing. There apparently tends to be a bit of regression in the coming weeks and months as he starts getting excited about the things he's able to do, and processing the new fun stuff he experiences, but for now, he's on a really nice sleep schedule, and that has made a tremendous difference for all of us.
Go buddy go!
Monday, August 6, 2012
This is an awesome kid
What an incredible journey this is. Our little guy is eating and growing like crazy, and watching him learn new things about his world is exciting like I never really knew before. Within the last several weeks, Liam has finally started recognizing our faces, and reacting to us with smiles when he sees us. He now also laughs at our funny voices and sounds and faces we make - he loves the character decals in his nursery, and immediately smiles and chuckles to himself each time he sees them:
It's not always grins and giggles of course; there definitely are still times where things are more stressful than I'm generally at ease with, but being able to count on seeing him smile at me when I get home, or laugh when I show him the wall yeti above his changing table makes all that anxiety melt away.
Tomorrow he turns 11 weeks old, and during his short time here so far, he has made amazing strides - he started 2 weeks early, and a touch on the small side, but he's now squarely in the above average percentiles in all his measurements. He eats really well (no surprise!), and is strong and healthy. He's active, and likes play time as much as he likes snuggle time. He's sleeping better and better, sometimes giving us 6 whole hours in a row within which Jessica and I can catch up on our z's too.
Most excitingly to me is seeing his little personality begin to show itself. The little man is quickly growing into someone who is not just healthy and strong, but happy and content - which is thrilling to see. I look forward to a lifetime of joy teaching and learning from our little warrior.
Love you buddy!
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
with both hands
It's amazing what you can do with one hand now that you're the parent of a newborn. Pour a cup of coffee, with careful regard of just where his feet and hands are as to not burn his delicate skin, texting while pumping to catch up with dear family & friends (sorry for the visual...) and changing his diaper with one hand while entertaining with the other as to not witness him "go tomato."
The thing is I would do anything for this little guy with both hands for the rest of our lives. Some days are tough, not gonna lie. I'm sure it gets even tougher further past 7 weeks old but it's all worth it. Every minute of dearly missed precious sleep cannot outweigh the great opportunity we have to watch him grow.
Some days I witness minor victories like the beauty of a toothless grin, the soft coo of delight at whatever it is that he's looking at and how awesome I feel when I can put him to sleep simply by just holding him in my arms. I am so grateful for this gift we've been given and promise to do the best we can, always.
The thing is I would do anything for this little guy with both hands for the rest of our lives. Some days are tough, not gonna lie. I'm sure it gets even tougher further past 7 weeks old but it's all worth it. Every minute of dearly missed precious sleep cannot outweigh the great opportunity we have to watch him grow.
Some days I witness minor victories like the beauty of a toothless grin, the soft coo of delight at whatever it is that he's looking at and how awesome I feel when I can put him to sleep simply by just holding him in my arms. I am so grateful for this gift we've been given and promise to do the best we can, always.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Geeking Out
Ok, so maybe there is such a thing as overkill, but dang it, we like keeping track of things and organizing stuff. Especially given Liam's start, we have been very diligent about record keeping of all his bodily functions. Hooray baby bodily functions!
For fun (yeah, I said this was fun), I thought I'd graph out how he's been doing so far with everything we've been tracking, which is number of feedings, amount of milk consumed (in ounces), number of pees, and number of poops. And here we are:
Order to the chaos! To me, this is interesting and encouraging - we can see that while there are some small variances up or down on a day to day basis, the overall trend is that he's being consistent with his feedings, and processing all that food, and his milk intake is slowly going up over time. Which is exactly what we want to see.
Go buddy go!
Order to the chaos! To me, this is interesting and encouraging - we can see that while there are some small variances up or down on a day to day basis, the overall trend is that he's being consistent with his feedings, and processing all that food, and his milk intake is slowly going up over time. Which is exactly what we want to see.
Go buddy go!
Monday, June 25, 2012
Celebration
Last week was a week of celebration for Liam's dad, Scott. Kicking off with his first ever Father's Day and wrapping up with the 41st anniversary of his very own birth. I couldn't be more proud of him as a father to our lil guy and also as my partner on this crazy, wonderful journey. As En Vogue would say, "What a man, what a man, what a mighty good man." I am grateful that Liam has such a role model to walk him through life.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Liam's middle name
One year ago today, Jessica and I spent 2 weeks in Europe; Jess' first ever trip. Most of that trip was in Paris, which as it happens is one of the most beautiful cities in the world, maybe the most romantic.
On our second day in Paris, we made our way to Notre Dame, and meandered our way behind the cathedral to this beautiful little garden:
From there, we were properly inspired to continue roaming around the city, learning quickly that this sort of unplanned, random strolling was the best possible way to see Paris in the first place. We found our way to a private corner of Île Saint-Louis, onto a little bench right on the river Seine, and began thinking about all that must have happened at this spot over the years.
It was one of the most soul-satisfying moments of our lives, somehow totally content in a place neither of us had ever been, and (as you can see) even on a cool and rainy day, we felt as alive as can be. We now credit this moment as our emotional muse for finally deciding we would start trying to conceive, the result of which is so much more beautiful, our son Liam Seine Galloway.
On our second day in Paris, we made our way to Notre Dame, and meandered our way behind the cathedral to this beautiful little garden:
It was one of the most soul-satisfying moments of our lives, somehow totally content in a place neither of us had ever been, and (as you can see) even on a cool and rainy day, we felt as alive as can be. We now credit this moment as our emotional muse for finally deciding we would start trying to conceive, the result of which is so much more beautiful, our son Liam Seine Galloway.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Liam Galloway - The Story So Far
Hello Loved Ones,
It took a bit longer than we expected, but as of today, June 1st, our new family of 3 is finally together at home. We apologize for not sharing many details of the last 2 weeks, but we have been intensely focused on the health of our family, and we thank you all for your dear support and understanding. While we are eager to share our experience and gorgeous baby Liam with each of you, for now we'd like to share our story here.
At 28 weeks pregnant, Jessica had a near fainting spell during a walk in the neighborhood, and after visiting with a perinatologist, she was immediately sent to the triage ward at Alta Bates (our birth hospital) in Berkeley where she was monitored for high blood pressure, and admitted for observation. We spent a pretty sleepless night in Labor & Delivery, being woken every hour for BP monitoring; the following night we were moved to the very comfortable, and much quieter, Ante Partum wing, where we spent another evening on some new BP medicine and monitoring. Jessica responded well to the medication and we were finally released back home the following day. She was diagnosed with Pregnancy Induced Hypertension (PIH), which turns out is quite common, but is a predecessor of Prue-Ecclampsia, which can be quite dangerous for the mother. The next 2 months were a bit of a blur of doctor's appointments, including twice weekly Non-Stress Tests (NST) to listen to baby's heartbeat and responsiveness, regular ultrasounds to measure growth, and regular appointments with both our OB/GYN and Perinatoligist. While everything was looking good, given the PIH diagnosis and risk of Pre-Ecclampsia, our doctors recommended that we attempt delivery via induction as early as 34 weeks (term is 38-40 weeks); a steroid shot was received to encourage baby's lung development.
It was otherwise a relatively easy pregnancy; good energy, no severe morning sickness or anything. In fact, while our OB/GYN was hoping we made it to 34 weeks before induction, we in fact cruised right past 34 weeks on to 36 weeks (our original 'best case"), and even further on. By the time we got to 37 weeks, it was time to start planning for our hospital stay and finally meet our little guy. Saturday, May 19th was the day! We had gone through our training classes and toured (and already spent two nights in) the hospital, read tons of stuff, watched videos and tv shows, and basically felt as prepared as a couple could be. Understanding that induction can take time, we felt mentally prepared for some intensity, and then a healthy, natural (pain med aided) delivery.
That first night was pretty easy; we got a nice big room with a jacuzzi tub, which of course we never set foot in. We got comfortable, Jess was started on Cytotec to help the cervix begin to relax ("ripen"), and I slept on the couch in the room. The next day, with Jessica's sister Abigail being with us and supporting Jessica, we began the Pitocin (a synthetic form of Oxytocin, the body's natural hormone) to encourage contractions. After that full Sunday of contractions, by the end of the day, we had only made it to 1cm of dilation (we're looking for 10cm to be "completely dilated"). Monday brought more of this; heavier contractions, brought by higher dosages of Pitocin, but after only getting to about 2cm., we then move onto something else called a Cook's (cervical ripening) Balloon, which is a manual means of opening the cervix. This is not at all pleasant, and after Monday it hadn't really done much good. We opted to break the bag of waters (manually break the amniotic sac), and move on to a second, and more heavily filled, Cook's Balloon, along with yet higher Pitocin dosages. After a very long and painful night, during which active labor became far too intense to continue coping with naturally, we made the call for the epidural, which made ALL the difference. Finally, Tuesday morning, 5/22, after removing the 2nd Cook's Balloon we found we were completely dilated and it's time to start pushing. Like, we know you've not really slept in 2 days, and you just woke up, but yeah, push. OKAY here we go.
Abigail is still with us, and is a mother of 3 herself, and it turns out not only a great birthing coach, but an absolutely precious emotional asset for both Jessica and me. Let me also just say that I've personally never witnessed this kind of intense strength and determination in anyone; I have such a profound respect for what a woman goes through in labor and delivery, I can't possibly describe it. Jessica, after 2 1/2 days of nearly no sleep, enduring intense pain and contractions and IVs and pokes and prods and measurements and TWO dang Cook's Balloons, she finds strength like I've never seen and pushes. and pushes. AND PUSHES. So intensely that capillaries in her cheeks begin to break. So hard that her eyes become bloodshot and begin to bruise and swell. And SHE is driving it. She wants so badly for our boy to be delivered vaginally, that despite it all, she's the one calling the oncoming contractions and order to push, NOT the nurse. And yet, the body has its limits. Nearly 3 hours of this level of effort, it is clear that baby is stuck. Baby has had 2 different heart rate monitor electrodes screwed lightly into his head, and indications are that he's in some distress. All of this effort and exhaustive pushing has yielded precious little in terms of the baby's advancement through the birth canal. Apparently he is wedged against the pelvic bone, not able to proceed any further. We called in the surgeon to move forward with Caesarian Section birth.
I get dressed in scrubs so I can be with her during the procedure, while Jess is wheeled away. I sit wih my parents in a completely nervous state, knowing I had a baby minutes away, and the love of my life on an operating table, and then I'm called in. Now, I've seen the tv shows and watched as women delivered via C-Section, but experiencing it in the room, with your wife going through the operation, was not something I'll forget. Jessica was thankfully pretty heavily sedated with a cocktail of epidural and morphine and who knows what else when I saw her, spreadeagled on the table, a thin wall of paper between Jessica and I sitting with her, and the surgeons and nurses going to work. A very nice Anesthesiologist was talking us both through things and playing some pretty great music on his iPod, a pleasant distraction. Every so often, I'd look up and see reflective flashes of the detail of the surgeons' work on their face shields. They noticed Jess' Winnie the Pooh tattoo, and managed to give Pooh a perfect C-Section incision along with Jessica's. The procedure went as I'd expect, and relatively quickly, but to see Jessica's full body moving in reaction to the surgeons pushing and pulling to unstick baby's head from how far he had traveled in the pelvis was something that was until that moment the scariest thing I had ever experienced. But, things soon became much scarier, as we were briefly introduced to our newborn boy, who happened to not be breathing and was turning blue in front of our eyes; Jessica's intuition immediately picked it up and brought it the attention of the nurses who immediately whisked him away to get him breathing again. Staying with Jessica and attempting reassurance, we finally heard baby cry just before I was asked to escort the nurses, and baby, to the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) upstairs. I had to leave Jessica in the care of her surgeons to finish their work while I followed Liam out of the OR. Today was our 38 weeks; Liam is officially a "term" baby, and like both his mother and father, a Gemini. He is also a dragon like his mom.
The NICU at Alta Bates is quite nice; cute in fact. Liam was brought into a room with a preemie baby that was so small that I think her leg was about the size of one of my fingers. Comparatively, Liam looked like a giant, but his size was deceptive in that he was actually quite sick. As he appeared stabilized and most of the nurses stepped aside, I finally got to say hello to my son. While I held his tiny little hand, his breathing again became labored, and he began having, what I later learned to be, a seizure. After getting stabalized again, I was able to spend a few tearful moments with him making sure from the Neonatologist that he was stable, I was able to head downstairs again and find Jessica in recovery.
Typically after Caesarian, a woman is in recovery for a couple hours before being transferred to post partum. Also typically, PIH (hypertension) and Pre-Ecclampsia is "cured" by delivering your baby. Neither of these turned out to be the case for Jessica. Instead, her blood pressure began to peak toward unsafe levels. Her BP medication was increased and she was unfortunately not responding as expected. 11 hours later, the doctor prescribed Magnesium Sulfate to help prevent seizure for her in reaction to her spiking BP, and we were admitted to ICU. Meanwhile, we were notified that Liam had some seizure activity, and while the NICU at Alta Bates was great, they did not have the type of ready access to monitoring tools such as EEG and MRI, which he now needed. He was being transferred to the NICU at Oakland Children's Hospital (OCH). Wednesday morning, we received a blessed, albeit very brief, visit from our son, in a little hermetically sealed chamber, escorted by several doctors, nurses, and EMTs, on his way to OCH. Jessica was able to reach in through a small door and touch him for the first time before they had to again take him away. She had now spent a total of about 60 seconds with him.
Magnesium Sulfate makes you feel like you have a terrible case of the flu, only with something akin to lava flowing through your body. Jessica was super nauseous and vomiting, and had to have sweat out at least pints of fluid through the night, but she had no seizures, and her BP had finally come down to a number that let us leave ICU and get to post partum. During the day, Liam had an EEG and an MRI, both of which showed things that the Neurologist was heavily concerned with. As soon as Jess was settled in her new room (her 7th room over this whole experience), I went to the NICU waiting room hoping for some sight of Liam and results of the MRI. I waited several hours before I saw a team wheel him by and into the NICU, where I had to sign in, scrub in, and finally get to see him. He looked small, and frail; a little yellowish, puffy, and had a terrible abbrasion on his scalp where apparently the trauma of all that labor had pulled away some of the skin on the top of his head. Our poor little guy was fighting hard, but wasn't in great shape.
I met with the Neonatologist, and then with the Neurogologist, both of whom were sober in their information. The EEG showed that Liam had been having seizures, the MRI showed that his brain was underdeveloped from what they'd expect, that he had some brain hemorrhaging throughout, and that he had a stroke sometime in utero. The diagnosis was obviously pretty grim, with indications that Liam would definitely have some type of neurological challenges in his life, including possibly not being even to breathe unassisted, or eat without a tube. The range of possibilities was anything from something like mild learning disability, to something like cerebral palsy, but, thank God, he was going to survive it. I was told he would be in NICU at least 2 to 3 weeks, and then who knows...there's really no way to tell this early on.
Jessica eventually got off of the Magnesium, which was like an almost instantaneous improvement in her strength. The incision from the surgery was healing nicely, swelling was beginning to go down, the sweats were subsiding as the progesterone was leaving her body, and she was finally, after several days, eating actual food and even getting up to use the bathroom after the catheter being removed. In fact, she was doing so good that the doctors suggest that maybe tomorrow (Friday) if she continues improving, we might get a pass to visit Liam at OCH! It turns out though, that she did so good overnight, that they actually let us go home instead. So, Friday early afternoon, after a couple of wheelchairs, and some painful scrubbing up (Jess is still in a lot of pain and on Percocet), we wheeled momma in to visit Liam in the NICU and finally, for the first time since carrying him for 38 weeks, and nearly 76 hours after birthing him, Jessica was able to hold little Liam in her arms.
We met with a team of 3 doctor's and a social worker to learn more details about Liam's diagnosis. Essentially we had already learned all of the details; about the brain bleeding, about the seizures, about the stroke, about his breathing difficulty (apnia), about his head wound...Not much new, but it's hard to describe the feeling of hearing this news in a formalized setting. They had stabilized him; he was on a lot of medication - a LOT of IVs dripping into his little frame, but he was not seizing. There's also not much that either of us could do but to be there for him, and to love him as hard as we damn well could. And so that's what we did.
We visit twice a day, usually for about 4 hours or more each time. Each time we would provide him loving energy and positive touch, and would sing to him. "Three Little Birds" by Bob Marley came to my mind when he was under a day old..."Don't worry, about a thing...'cause every little thing, is gonna be alright"...We have sung this to him every day since. We hold him close to each of us and pour as much light as we can over him. Our energy has been fed by the overwhelming joy and love and prayer of literally countless people. Our loved ones close and far away, our family and friends, and their family and their friends, and church groups and prayer circles of every conceivable faith and literally all over the country have been sending us three strength that I hardly knew we needed. But we sure did need it, and it has worked, what I consider to be, miracles.
We received lots of little victories over the last 2 weeks. Jess began to become more and more successful at pumping her precious, and made perfectly for Liam, milk. With each visit we could see small incremental improvements in him. I got to watch the nurses remove his breathing apparatus one day. We got to watch him take a bottle of mom's milk, and feed him ourselves. We got to see him come of off each medication, one at a time, one day at a time. We watched the skin on his head begin to slowly close over his wound and heal itself. With a lot of practice Liam began nursing at Jessica's breast. And today, I was honored to remove the last 4 monitors from his skin, as we dressed him in a tiny tuxedo onesie, placed him in his car seat, and finally drove him home.
Liam is an English/Scottish/Irish name meaning Strong Willed Warrior. He has already superseded his name, and we couldn't be more proud of our little man, or of the strength he has supplied our family.
PS - Many of you have asked how you could help us out. For the next short while, as we continue to focus on our health, we are going to take a well earned, deep breath and just be together. In a couple weeks however, especially as I need to go back to work, we sure could use your love and support in the form of visiting us and bringing a dinner we can enjoy together. Keep an eye out for an email in the coming weeks with a website where you can book an evening that works best. Until then, please continue keeping our little warrior in your hearts and prayers, and we'll see you soon.
All our love and gratitude,
- Scott, Jessica, and Liam Galloway
It took a bit longer than we expected, but as of today, June 1st, our new family of 3 is finally together at home. We apologize for not sharing many details of the last 2 weeks, but we have been intensely focused on the health of our family, and we thank you all for your dear support and understanding. While we are eager to share our experience and gorgeous baby Liam with each of you, for now we'd like to share our story here.
At 28 weeks pregnant, Jessica had a near fainting spell during a walk in the neighborhood, and after visiting with a perinatologist, she was immediately sent to the triage ward at Alta Bates (our birth hospital) in Berkeley where she was monitored for high blood pressure, and admitted for observation. We spent a pretty sleepless night in Labor & Delivery, being woken every hour for BP monitoring; the following night we were moved to the very comfortable, and much quieter, Ante Partum wing, where we spent another evening on some new BP medicine and monitoring. Jessica responded well to the medication and we were finally released back home the following day. She was diagnosed with Pregnancy Induced Hypertension (PIH), which turns out is quite common, but is a predecessor of Prue-Ecclampsia, which can be quite dangerous for the mother. The next 2 months were a bit of a blur of doctor's appointments, including twice weekly Non-Stress Tests (NST) to listen to baby's heartbeat and responsiveness, regular ultrasounds to measure growth, and regular appointments with both our OB/GYN and Perinatoligist. While everything was looking good, given the PIH diagnosis and risk of Pre-Ecclampsia, our doctors recommended that we attempt delivery via induction as early as 34 weeks (term is 38-40 weeks); a steroid shot was received to encourage baby's lung development.
It was otherwise a relatively easy pregnancy; good energy, no severe morning sickness or anything. In fact, while our OB/GYN was hoping we made it to 34 weeks before induction, we in fact cruised right past 34 weeks on to 36 weeks (our original 'best case"), and even further on. By the time we got to 37 weeks, it was time to start planning for our hospital stay and finally meet our little guy. Saturday, May 19th was the day! We had gone through our training classes and toured (and already spent two nights in) the hospital, read tons of stuff, watched videos and tv shows, and basically felt as prepared as a couple could be. Understanding that induction can take time, we felt mentally prepared for some intensity, and then a healthy, natural (pain med aided) delivery.
That first night was pretty easy; we got a nice big room with a jacuzzi tub, which of course we never set foot in. We got comfortable, Jess was started on Cytotec to help the cervix begin to relax ("ripen"), and I slept on the couch in the room. The next day, with Jessica's sister Abigail being with us and supporting Jessica, we began the Pitocin (a synthetic form of Oxytocin, the body's natural hormone) to encourage contractions. After that full Sunday of contractions, by the end of the day, we had only made it to 1cm of dilation (we're looking for 10cm to be "completely dilated"). Monday brought more of this; heavier contractions, brought by higher dosages of Pitocin, but after only getting to about 2cm., we then move onto something else called a Cook's (cervical ripening) Balloon, which is a manual means of opening the cervix. This is not at all pleasant, and after Monday it hadn't really done much good. We opted to break the bag of waters (manually break the amniotic sac), and move on to a second, and more heavily filled, Cook's Balloon, along with yet higher Pitocin dosages. After a very long and painful night, during which active labor became far too intense to continue coping with naturally, we made the call for the epidural, which made ALL the difference. Finally, Tuesday morning, 5/22, after removing the 2nd Cook's Balloon we found we were completely dilated and it's time to start pushing. Like, we know you've not really slept in 2 days, and you just woke up, but yeah, push. OKAY here we go.
Abigail is still with us, and is a mother of 3 herself, and it turns out not only a great birthing coach, but an absolutely precious emotional asset for both Jessica and me. Let me also just say that I've personally never witnessed this kind of intense strength and determination in anyone; I have such a profound respect for what a woman goes through in labor and delivery, I can't possibly describe it. Jessica, after 2 1/2 days of nearly no sleep, enduring intense pain and contractions and IVs and pokes and prods and measurements and TWO dang Cook's Balloons, she finds strength like I've never seen and pushes. and pushes. AND PUSHES. So intensely that capillaries in her cheeks begin to break. So hard that her eyes become bloodshot and begin to bruise and swell. And SHE is driving it. She wants so badly for our boy to be delivered vaginally, that despite it all, she's the one calling the oncoming contractions and order to push, NOT the nurse. And yet, the body has its limits. Nearly 3 hours of this level of effort, it is clear that baby is stuck. Baby has had 2 different heart rate monitor electrodes screwed lightly into his head, and indications are that he's in some distress. All of this effort and exhaustive pushing has yielded precious little in terms of the baby's advancement through the birth canal. Apparently he is wedged against the pelvic bone, not able to proceed any further. We called in the surgeon to move forward with Caesarian Section birth.
I get dressed in scrubs so I can be with her during the procedure, while Jess is wheeled away. I sit wih my parents in a completely nervous state, knowing I had a baby minutes away, and the love of my life on an operating table, and then I'm called in. Now, I've seen the tv shows and watched as women delivered via C-Section, but experiencing it in the room, with your wife going through the operation, was not something I'll forget. Jessica was thankfully pretty heavily sedated with a cocktail of epidural and morphine and who knows what else when I saw her, spreadeagled on the table, a thin wall of paper between Jessica and I sitting with her, and the surgeons and nurses going to work. A very nice Anesthesiologist was talking us both through things and playing some pretty great music on his iPod, a pleasant distraction. Every so often, I'd look up and see reflective flashes of the detail of the surgeons' work on their face shields. They noticed Jess' Winnie the Pooh tattoo, and managed to give Pooh a perfect C-Section incision along with Jessica's. The procedure went as I'd expect, and relatively quickly, but to see Jessica's full body moving in reaction to the surgeons pushing and pulling to unstick baby's head from how far he had traveled in the pelvis was something that was until that moment the scariest thing I had ever experienced. But, things soon became much scarier, as we were briefly introduced to our newborn boy, who happened to not be breathing and was turning blue in front of our eyes; Jessica's intuition immediately picked it up and brought it the attention of the nurses who immediately whisked him away to get him breathing again. Staying with Jessica and attempting reassurance, we finally heard baby cry just before I was asked to escort the nurses, and baby, to the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) upstairs. I had to leave Jessica in the care of her surgeons to finish their work while I followed Liam out of the OR. Today was our 38 weeks; Liam is officially a "term" baby, and like both his mother and father, a Gemini. He is also a dragon like his mom.
The NICU at Alta Bates is quite nice; cute in fact. Liam was brought into a room with a preemie baby that was so small that I think her leg was about the size of one of my fingers. Comparatively, Liam looked like a giant, but his size was deceptive in that he was actually quite sick. As he appeared stabilized and most of the nurses stepped aside, I finally got to say hello to my son. While I held his tiny little hand, his breathing again became labored, and he began having, what I later learned to be, a seizure. After getting stabalized again, I was able to spend a few tearful moments with him making sure from the Neonatologist that he was stable, I was able to head downstairs again and find Jessica in recovery.
Typically after Caesarian, a woman is in recovery for a couple hours before being transferred to post partum. Also typically, PIH (hypertension) and Pre-Ecclampsia is "cured" by delivering your baby. Neither of these turned out to be the case for Jessica. Instead, her blood pressure began to peak toward unsafe levels. Her BP medication was increased and she was unfortunately not responding as expected. 11 hours later, the doctor prescribed Magnesium Sulfate to help prevent seizure for her in reaction to her spiking BP, and we were admitted to ICU. Meanwhile, we were notified that Liam had some seizure activity, and while the NICU at Alta Bates was great, they did not have the type of ready access to monitoring tools such as EEG and MRI, which he now needed. He was being transferred to the NICU at Oakland Children's Hospital (OCH). Wednesday morning, we received a blessed, albeit very brief, visit from our son, in a little hermetically sealed chamber, escorted by several doctors, nurses, and EMTs, on his way to OCH. Jessica was able to reach in through a small door and touch him for the first time before they had to again take him away. She had now spent a total of about 60 seconds with him.
Magnesium Sulfate makes you feel like you have a terrible case of the flu, only with something akin to lava flowing through your body. Jessica was super nauseous and vomiting, and had to have sweat out at least pints of fluid through the night, but she had no seizures, and her BP had finally come down to a number that let us leave ICU and get to post partum. During the day, Liam had an EEG and an MRI, both of which showed things that the Neurologist was heavily concerned with. As soon as Jess was settled in her new room (her 7th room over this whole experience), I went to the NICU waiting room hoping for some sight of Liam and results of the MRI. I waited several hours before I saw a team wheel him by and into the NICU, where I had to sign in, scrub in, and finally get to see him. He looked small, and frail; a little yellowish, puffy, and had a terrible abbrasion on his scalp where apparently the trauma of all that labor had pulled away some of the skin on the top of his head. Our poor little guy was fighting hard, but wasn't in great shape.
I met with the Neonatologist, and then with the Neurogologist, both of whom were sober in their information. The EEG showed that Liam had been having seizures, the MRI showed that his brain was underdeveloped from what they'd expect, that he had some brain hemorrhaging throughout, and that he had a stroke sometime in utero. The diagnosis was obviously pretty grim, with indications that Liam would definitely have some type of neurological challenges in his life, including possibly not being even to breathe unassisted, or eat without a tube. The range of possibilities was anything from something like mild learning disability, to something like cerebral palsy, but, thank God, he was going to survive it. I was told he would be in NICU at least 2 to 3 weeks, and then who knows...there's really no way to tell this early on.
Jessica eventually got off of the Magnesium, which was like an almost instantaneous improvement in her strength. The incision from the surgery was healing nicely, swelling was beginning to go down, the sweats were subsiding as the progesterone was leaving her body, and she was finally, after several days, eating actual food and even getting up to use the bathroom after the catheter being removed. In fact, she was doing so good that the doctors suggest that maybe tomorrow (Friday) if she continues improving, we might get a pass to visit Liam at OCH! It turns out though, that she did so good overnight, that they actually let us go home instead. So, Friday early afternoon, after a couple of wheelchairs, and some painful scrubbing up (Jess is still in a lot of pain and on Percocet), we wheeled momma in to visit Liam in the NICU and finally, for the first time since carrying him for 38 weeks, and nearly 76 hours after birthing him, Jessica was able to hold little Liam in her arms.
We met with a team of 3 doctor's and a social worker to learn more details about Liam's diagnosis. Essentially we had already learned all of the details; about the brain bleeding, about the seizures, about the stroke, about his breathing difficulty (apnia), about his head wound...Not much new, but it's hard to describe the feeling of hearing this news in a formalized setting. They had stabilized him; he was on a lot of medication - a LOT of IVs dripping into his little frame, but he was not seizing. There's also not much that either of us could do but to be there for him, and to love him as hard as we damn well could. And so that's what we did.
We visit twice a day, usually for about 4 hours or more each time. Each time we would provide him loving energy and positive touch, and would sing to him. "Three Little Birds" by Bob Marley came to my mind when he was under a day old..."Don't worry, about a thing...'cause every little thing, is gonna be alright"...We have sung this to him every day since. We hold him close to each of us and pour as much light as we can over him. Our energy has been fed by the overwhelming joy and love and prayer of literally countless people. Our loved ones close and far away, our family and friends, and their family and their friends, and church groups and prayer circles of every conceivable faith and literally all over the country have been sending us three strength that I hardly knew we needed. But we sure did need it, and it has worked, what I consider to be, miracles.
We received lots of little victories over the last 2 weeks. Jess began to become more and more successful at pumping her precious, and made perfectly for Liam, milk. With each visit we could see small incremental improvements in him. I got to watch the nurses remove his breathing apparatus one day. We got to watch him take a bottle of mom's milk, and feed him ourselves. We got to see him come of off each medication, one at a time, one day at a time. We watched the skin on his head begin to slowly close over his wound and heal itself. With a lot of practice Liam began nursing at Jessica's breast. And today, I was honored to remove the last 4 monitors from his skin, as we dressed him in a tiny tuxedo onesie, placed him in his car seat, and finally drove him home.
Liam is an English/Scottish/Irish name meaning Strong Willed Warrior. He has already superseded his name, and we couldn't be more proud of our little man, or of the strength he has supplied our family.
PS - Many of you have asked how you could help us out. For the next short while, as we continue to focus on our health, we are going to take a well earned, deep breath and just be together. In a couple weeks however, especially as I need to go back to work, we sure could use your love and support in the form of visiting us and bringing a dinner we can enjoy together. Keep an eye out for an email in the coming weeks with a website where you can book an evening that works best. Until then, please continue keeping our little warrior in your hearts and prayers, and we'll see you soon.
All our love and gratitude,
- Scott, Jessica, and Liam Galloway
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