who am I?

I know my titles - wife, mom, daughter, sister, yaya - but who is my true self. Maybe she is a combination of each of those titles, depending on the day. Needless to say, I'm having a bit of an identity crisis since becoming a parent. Some days I don't see Jessica in the mirror or in the eyes of my family and friends. In the blink of an eye you become a entirely new person who you're supposed to immediately connect and identify with but I haven't. I'm sure (and hopeful) that as time passes I'll figure it all out, and yet, today I mourn the loss of that ability to recognize who I am outside of those titles. Isn't it important for my husband and son to know that woman too? It definitely is. It's also equally - if not more - important to know her myself.

no RX

On the evening of September 5th we gave Liam his final dose of phenobarbital. What a blessing! It felt so good, so right. I truly wish that he had never had to take it in the first place but am extremely grateful that it's over with. We even met with his neurologist last week and hearing her say that there would be no need to meet with her again was pure relief. Thank you and adios, Dr. Kuperman.

I'm still dealing with the guilt I have deep inside. The fact that he was so ill at birth due to some unknown event in utero haunts me. I'm certainly coping with those traumatic ghosts better than I was a few months ago but even watching a TV show about a woman giving birth takes me so swiftly back to that dark place.

My hope is that in the days, weeks, months and years to come as we watch him develop into whomever and whatever he's going to be that those bad memories fade away. As I watch him nap so sweetly in my arms, it fills me with gratitude. He's here and he's perfect.